These are some examples of the residue left on me by being raised in a non-nurturing family. As an adult child of an alcoholic/ dysfunctional family a lot of my mental and emotional energy has gone into dealing with the effects listed below.
1. Fear of authority
For over 20 years of my career, I woke to the feeling that any day I would be “found out” and fired. I learned to drive a car defensively, always thinking about what I would say to defend myself when stopped by the police. And above all I knew that the God I served was watching me just to see if I made a mistake and all bad things that happened to me were a form of Heavenly retribution.
ANTIDOTE: We get over fear of authority as we find and get a relationship with our Higher Power. As we find out that we are precious and valuable to Him and the nature of things in the universe we realize that we are enough and it’s okay to be who He made us. We creatively begin to discover what that is.
2. Abandonment
I wonder what it must have felt like to have been Samuel to have been dropped off at Eli’s house at the age of 12 or so. There are many ways to leave one’s children in the care of someone else; emotionally, not being there to protect or teach.
Emotional due to; addictive/compulsive behavior, lack of parenting skills
Physical due to; divorce, death, jail, military service, working 60+ hours a week
Spiritual: playing God even without knowing it. Pretending to have all the answers.
ANTIDOTE: Through the spiritual journey of the 12 steps, we learn that we can never be abandoned by God. It is outside His character. As our relationship grows, we develop TRUST and DISCERNMENT. That is, we learn to trust and know who is safe to trust. We begin to have integrity within and to ourselves we come to trust ourselves within His care.
3. Either Or Thinking, black and white, all or nothing, win/lose
Keeps us from seeing all our options and therefore reduces our choice-making ability. This comes from a perfectionistic system where there is “The Way” (all religions claim this one), “America, love it or leave it”, “Shape up or ship out”, “My way or no way (or the highway)”, to compromise is to lose.
ANTIDOTE: First, recognize both/and choices starts us on our way. We can realize that all we HAVE to do is die, the rest of life is a matter of choices. Secondly, identify options in all situations. Thirdly, we practice acting in a variety of ways based on choices we identify.
This is the new part of processing in the following Process Model. (EEEA)
Event -> Emotion -> Energy -> Action
4. Mind Reading - “magical thinking”
“I know what you’re thinking!” (Only if you’re doing the thinking for me.) “You really don’t mean (or feel) that.”
“If only I can behave, daddy won’t drink anymore." or
"Mom won’t yell at and hit me again and she’ll love me.”
ANTIDOTE: Think for ourselves only. Stop assuming, we know what others are thinking. Let others speak for themselves and be responsible for asking for what they want.
5. Being Right
We cease being creative when we get the right answer. We make absolutes out of molehills.
Society’s slogans “America, love it or leave it!”, “Shape up or ship out.”, “If you're not for us, you are against us.”, “My way or no way.”
ANTIDOTE:
Recovery slogan “Do you want to be right or well?”
Live by principles such as being dedicated to the truth, and it will set you free; do to others as you want them to do to you; do for others what they can’t do for themselves.
6. Catastrophizing
Jump to the negative conclusion first before considering an event could be beneficial. Example: A woman has regular physical exams, discovers a lump and automatically assumes it is cancer. Someone runs a stop sign and hits your car. You assume that is God’s way of punishing you for miss deeds.
ANTIDOTE: Live life from the perspective of the glass is half full as opposed to half empty. Bad things happen to us, but we don’t need to be “under the circumstances”, we can learn from mistakes and misfortune.
7. Blaming & Global Labeling
We learn early on to blame others and ourselves and society reinforces global labeling. Examples we hear are “women drivers, watch out”, “all Jews are rich and got it by cheating”, “don’t trust anyone over 30", “all Russians are communists, all communists are bad therefore all Russians are bad”.
ANTIDOTE: We learn to accept responsibility that is genuinely ours and allow others to do the same. We establish personal healthy boundaries that examine ideas and people on their own merits, not prejudice, bigotry and global labeling.
8. Control Thinking Fallacies
“If I just can behave a certain way the other person will stop doing _____or love me or do ___.” What that really says is that we are God and have supernatural powers over the thoughts and actions of others.
ANTIDOTE: First, identify attempts we make to control negatively (for our own good). Second, we begin to let go. As we practice letting go, we develop trust in God and respond to His loving control, nurturing.
9. Personalization
The hurricane that devastated the East coast of the US occurred because of my disobedience to the will of God.
ANTIDOTE: Perspective. We are neither gods nor worms. Our worth is not relative but specific and unique, all at once. He created individuals, not humanity at large and He loves us that way too.
10. Grieving
Because the NO FEEL rule existed in our dysfunctional families, we ignore the Mac truck that runs us down daily until we’ve “had it!” Then we blow our stacks at the next slight, come off looking and feeling like fools and shaming ourselves for inappropriate behavior.
ANTIDOTE: Recognize our losses, make them legitimate. Feel the pain and sadness of those losses of the past. When we suffer loss in the present, we grieve it at the time in appropriate ways for us that we set.