STEP 4

I make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. (I look for my mental, emotional, spiritual, physical, volitional and social assets and liabilities. I look at what I have, how I use it, and how I can acquire what I need.)

I look at myself fearlessly.

I admit my mistakes.

I give myself credit for what I do correctly.

I assess my mental abilities accurately.

I assess my emotional state accurately.

I assess my spiritual journey accurately.

I assess my physical abilities and condition accurately.

I assess my volitional condition accurately.

I assess my social skills accurately.

I assess my liabilities accurately without unnecessary judgment.

Looking at me accurately has been difficult as I’ve approached recovery. My old skills have been inadequate so I’ve learned new ways to assess my life, and environment. New definitions of what is safe, acceptable and possible have paved the road for these new skills and attitudes.

First, doing a moral inventory requires integrity with self, that is, I have had to learn to be truthful with myself. It was a shock to realize that more times than not I was lying to myself about what was going on. That doesn’t surprise me now that I understand the RULES of the dysfunctional family; NO TALK, NO FEEL, NO TRUST and NO THINK. Put that with the basic DENIAL necessary to keep the system going and you have the “anti-integrity” formula. So as we each choose our spiritual journey towards wholeness, we need to learn what integrity is and incorporate it into our new moral fiber.

Doing the moral inventory has been a slow, painful process. That’s okay. It is cyclical in that as I work through some of my issues and inventory things, I realize that there is more there than I can deal with at the time. So, I strive for balance, pressing forward till I feel overwhelmed, backing off long enough to catch my breath. Recovery and life are moving targets and that’s okay. Serenity and peace are not “stop the world and let me off” conditions. They involve balance between holding on and letting go, pushing away and pulling towards, dependence and independence to interdependence and un- dependence, tearing down and building up, striving and relaxing, too little to too much. Every day those things change, sometimes hour by hour. That makes up the thread of life that began in the womb and ends in the grave.

Secondly, doing the inventory involves trust, God and ourselves. Steps 1, 2 and 3 needs to be a daily if not hourly habit which leads to perspective, followed by right relationship with self and God that ultimately gets us to the balance we need in life.

Thirdly, we need courage, courage to face the pain, hurt, disappointment along with recognizing our preciousness, worth and talents. When we do our “good, bad and ugly” stuff, we need discernment to be able to own what is ours and hand back to others (parents, teachers, authority figures, etc.) what belongs to them. And that involves allowing others to have the consequences of their decisions. They may not choose to do anything for their recovery but that’s about them, not us. That involves courage too. And sometimes it will be courage that helps us accept how incredibly capable we are. We are so wonderfully made and gifted and much in our lives has been about covering that up. As I began facing my denial it was tough to look at the “bad and ugly” and admit that maybe there had been “good” too that was still worth owning. As my recovery has progressed it is even okay for me to see the good in me in spite of the dysfunctions. We don’t throw away our past, we embrace it, accept it, learn from it, see patterns and move on toward health!