She gives some guidelines for recognizing abusive relationships. First we can read the list and ask "Has your partner done any of these things to you?” And secondly “Have you done any of these things to a partner?”

PHYSICAL ABUSE

1. pushed or shoved you

2  held you to keep you from leaving, or locked you out of the house

3. slapped, bit, kicked or choked you

4. hit or punched you

5. thrown objects at you

6. abandoned you in dangerous places

7. refused to help when you were sick, injured or pregnant

8. subjected you to reckless driving or kept you from driving

9. raped you

10. threatened or hurt you with a weapon

SEXUAL ABUSE

1. made demeaning remarks about women (or men)

2. treated women (or men) as sex objects

3. been jealously angry

4. insisted you dress in a more sexual way than you wanted

5. minimized the importance of your feelings about sex

6. criticized you sexually

7. insisted on unwanted touching

8. withheld sex and affection

9. called you names like “whore” or “frigid”

10. forced you to strip when you didn’t want to

11. publicly shown interest in other women (or men)

12. had affairs with other women (or men) after agreeing to monogamy

13. forced sex

14. forced particular unwanted sex acts

15. forced sex after beating

16. committed sadistic sexual acts

EMOTIONAL ABUSE

1. ignored your feelings

2. ridiculed or insulted women (or men) as a group

3. insulted your valued beliefs, religion, race, heritage or class

4. withheld approval or affection as a punishment

5. criticized you, called you names, shouted at you

6. insulted your family or friends

7. humiliated you

8. refused to socialize with you

9. kept you from working, controlled your money, made all decisions

10. refused to work or share money

11. taken car keys (or otherwise disabled your car) or money away

12. regularly threatened to leave or told you to leave

13. threatened to hurt you or your family

14. punished the children when he (or she) was angry at you

15. threatened to kidnap the children if you left him (or her)

16. abused pets to hurt you

17. manipulated you with lies and contradictions